my soft heart
by symposium magarum
Summary: Nai wonders if maybe he's loving Yanari the wrong way.


The first time Nai hears about love is from Karoku. They are sitting in the sunlight together, atop big leaves spread out beneath them to protect them from the hot sand, and watching the way the light glitters off the surface of the water like brilliant diamonds.

Karoku mentions loving the solitude, and that's when Nai skitters over his fingers and looks up at his face with a tilt of his head.

Love, he asks, what does that mean?

Karoku smiles in a way that's like fresh sunlight in the morning, not too strong and not too bright but just right, and runs his fingertips along the back of Nai's ear.

"Love," Karoku says, "is when you enjoy something immensely. You won't allow anyone to take it from you."

Nai doesn't quite understand such an ambiguous definition, but Karoku doesn't give him much time to be confused because he picks him up and the two of them go elsewhere. Nai knows that Karoku is mysterious and knows so much more than he ever will, about words and humans and even phenomena of the forest around them both, so he stores it away - love - and holds it in the back of his mind to contemplate another day. He is certain he will make sense of it eventually.

The first time Nai considers loving anything or anyone is after he meets Gareki, who asks him so many questions about Karoku that it makes Nai's head spin a little bit when he looks back. Something about the way Gareki keeps to himself and seems to have stored many thoughts and memories in his heart reminds Nai of Karoku, and that's when it the word love is stirred up from within him again.

Nai enjoys being with Karoku immensely, enjoys the warmth of his hands and the softness of his voice, so he wonders if he loves Karoku. After all, he is searching for him- Nai is determined never to let anyone take him away.

It sounds simple enough to him, but when Karoku tells him to stay away from Gareki, it makes Nai wonder if he loves Gareki instead. The thought is overwhelming, because Nai understands that there's a difference between loving and being in love, but the countless degrees between them confuses him. It would be nice to figure it out, he thinks every so often, and one day when Gareki is still sad about Tsubame and Yotaka and Grandpa, he decides to ask Yogi.

"Yogi," he asks while bouncing on the other man's bed, which is covered in fantastic wine-colored Nyanperowna sheets. "Um, I'm confused about something."

Yogi is fussing over something in his closet, but happily turns to look at Nai with a smile that's as sweet and sincere and adoring in its intensity as high noon sunlight. Nai wonders for a moment if maybe he loves Yogi too.

"Eh? What is it, Nai?"

Nai hums in contemplation, trying to phrase the mess of questions and feelings he doesn't understand. "I think I love Karoku, but I love Gareki too- and just now, I thought maybe I love you too."

He pauses, watching Yogi's face for any sign of disapproval or confusion before continuing. "But it feels different for everyone. The feeling Karoku gives me isn't the same as how you and Gareki make me feel. Is that okay?"

Yogi closes the doors to his closet before turning to Nai, lips pursed and brows knit in deep thought as he rubs his chin. Nai expects a complex and overwrought answer similar to the kinds Karoku would give him a long time ago, but Yogi is surprisingly easy to understand.

At the end of his explanation, Yogi is flustered and scratching the back of his head.

"Basically," he concludes, "love is something you have to decide on yourself, Nai."

"So it's okay to love Karoku and Gareki? And you and Tsukumo and Iva and the others?"

The way Yogi chuckles makes Nai feel really happy, as if Yogi had somehow saved him from something dark and frightening.

"That's right. It's more than okay!"

Yogi grins, this bright and dazzling thing that reminds Nai of diamonds on the surface of water.

"And someday, Nai will fall in love with someone and love them in a way that's different from the others! Look forward to it, okay?"

Nai isn't so sure about that, but he's grateful for everything Yogi has taught him and spends the rest of the day with him, eating candy and listening to the phonograph together. They dance and smile and cheer, and Nai's heart is so happy that its allowed to love everyone who has touched him so profoundly that he can barely contain himself.

Doctor Akari says those like Nai can't love and mentions something about the mere exposure effect and positive reinforcement and the like, but Doctor Akari isn't always right, and Nai's seen the way he looks at bunnies and the sheep- besides, Nai is fairly certain he's touched on love when he meets Yanari.

Yanari reminds Nai of Gareki and Karoku, but at the same time is this brand new entity in his mind that makes it difficult to compare him to anyone else Nai has ever known. He appears to be the same age as he is, which is new and interesting and Nai wants to talk with him about all the things they should be doing for fun instead of chasing monsters, and Yanari has a beautiful and fiery quality about him that makes Nai feel energized just being around him.

Watching Yanari cry was hard for some reason, and Nai imagines it made him feel the way Yogi feels when he watches him cry; he felt useless and alone even though Nai isn't the one who was missing his mother. Something about embracing Yanari quelled that unsettling feeling, however, and it always reminds him of the way Doctor Akari scoffed at him that day before saying those like Nai cannot love.

Even if it was only a day, as brief as a star and ephemeral like summer, Nai is left bedazzled and confused when Yanari is flown away. Even if Nai can't feel the sort of love Yogi had promised him, he thinks it would be nice to try for Yanari since he isn't like Nai. Even if he doesn't have a mother, Nai has Karoku and Gareki and Yogi and Tsukumo and everyone else to make him happy and watch over him. Nai isn't sure what Yanari has but it doesn't seem to be the same the family he has, so Nai wants to share it with him- perhaps even make Yanari part of the space in his heart where those most treasured go.

The desire doesn't fade with time, and eventually it concerns Nai, makes him wonder if he's becoming sick. He's certain he loves Yanari, but the fact that Yanari isn't quite part of his family troubles Nai somewhat, makes him wonder if he's perhaps loving wrong.

He asks Yogi, "What does it mean when you love someone who isn't part of your family? And when you like hugging them, and think about them a lot?"

Yogi's face flushes a bright red as he smiles, bright and deceptively innocent. "Nai! That means you're in love!"

At first Nai doesn't understand since he thought it was obvious that he quite loved Yanari, but he soon makes sense of the difference and feels an overwhelming joy.

"But what does that mean? What do I do?"

Yogi only smiles in that kind and helpful way of his. "Just tell them what's in your heart. You never know unless you try, right?"

Yanari did promise to keep in contact with him in case Karoku turned up, but Nai wasn't so sure if it would be that easy. If Nai did tell him he loved him and that he wanted Yanari to be part of his family, wouldn't it make Yanari sad to be reminded of his mother and all he was lacking?

Nai never wants to see Yanari cry again, never wants Yanari to be sad or alone or scared no matter what. Nai wants to protect him, hold him in his arms if he ever needs to be afraid and hide,

So even if it's scary and he isn't sure, Nai thinks to himself, maybe he should tell Yanari that he loves him. They're both so young and little; Nai has only been kissed once and held hands for a short while overall; he still can't decide on his five favorite foods or favorite color, or what the best song in the world is and what the most fun way to spend a long night is- and even if he were to figure these things out, Nai is certain he would discover them with his family. Experiencing them with Yanari, however, would be something curious and new.

Doing new things with Yanari is an oddly thrilling thought, and Nai can sort of understand why the topic of love makes Yogi so excited since it is fun to think about.

Nai has never loved before, but he looks within his soft animal heart and isn't afraid at all. He promises himself that as soon as he can find a way to reach the other boy and make these feelings understandable, he'll tell Yanari everything he knows about love.


End file.
